First Christmas

without my family. If I thought thanksgiving wasnt enough, it had to be the time where my uncle went back. I miss hawaii so much and I've been counting down. 3 months and 3 more days. My life's on pause. I already registered and I cant wait to go back to school. I spent thanksgiving with paul :) Food was good, and his families great. Got a hug from mama Sinmany and I was surprised. Days have past and now its almost Christmas. I started snowing just a few days ago. Crazy stuff. Its so pretty. But ugly now that Its too cold to even do anything. Im snowed in for sure. Hard to even get around now so Im stuck. Got done putting up the christmas tree and we even got to pick it out and cut it down ourselves. What would I do without my Hanh :)

I cant get a hold of my feelings anymore. The more I spend time with him the more I create these feelings. Because he honestly has to be the most sweetest guy in the world. Its been forever since I felt like this where you know damn well that I'm the only girl he's with and he cant be any happier. Im use to having them come and go. It just sucks that I had to meet him now. I know it sounds easy to just say were official but I know I'm not ready ready even if it feels right. I always seem to push him away for his own good but I really didnt know its affecting everything around us. I didnt mean to :( and for that reason I think I should make the move. I dont want to, ugh this shit is hard. Cause I pretended for a long time and now its down to it. I'll be occupied with school & work. Im just waiting for the right time...we'll i guess its never the right time now.

Cant have your cake and eat it too

Want to say so much but I'm scared it'll bite me in the ass. I'll eventually do the dirty deed. But its the 5th time, shiiiit. Haha. I need someone to be here, able to tell them something and keep up with my life. I feel like were too busy and I cant have a texting'esqe relationship. Shits gay you know? I've decided I'm about to go into school and is in search of a stabled job within the next month or so. Wish me luck. :) So I just got back from seattle. The food their hands down is effin delicious. But sadly of all things unholy, we had to go through about 2 bars and a comedy show  to finally having my fake i.d. taken away. MY FAKE I.D.! Ok, I dont look a like her but still, it got me far, a good 3 months! and now i have to wait for another 3 months and 2 weeks till I'm official :( sad sad sad. This place aint like Hawaii, where you'd get in to some hot spot even if your not of age. Majority of the bars here are anal and now the only place is my restaurant. sad sad sad. Speaking of the restaurant I put in my two weeks notice. I can't afford to wait for the restaurant to be busy giving me tips. I just hope I get this other job. Sounds perfect. 

Hella Twisted

So I woke up with my inbox filled with lyrics. *sigh. This tops the last song. Ya I was hella gellin the whole time. Can you blame me?

Okay, Now that I've collected myself. Hehe, I've been slowly figuring out how to budget myself out. So hard to live on my own. But I'm getting by. I've got my own place, and my own mind. I'm sure I can make it through.

A And then I got a call from the past. I'm glad I manage to keep it on a strictly friendly conversation. You don't know how hard it was, especially with our past and HIM in general. But he promise to check up every now and then. "that" topic came about but I layed it out. yay me, he'll forever be the same guy and that something I know I cant stay with. // So I just got home from the bar. So much is on my mind. God, when has it not. I want to keep you guys posted, but i barely can keep up with myself. Need to think this through. And not make the same mistakes.

forbidden fruit

What to do? ok lets get this straight, i went in this with great intentions, just that...things happen. Cant blame me right? I could give you reasons. I'm just not good at doing these kind of things. Oh lord, here I go again. "It's not you it's me" shit. You truly do deserve the best, why would you want to be with a girl like me. We were so great just friends, and I believe THATS what I value the most. When all was said and done, I'm glad your still there for me. I'll cherish our times together. You've got to be the most sweetest guy ever and what you text me just had to be it :)

anyways, work is crappy. Damn you for cutting my hours. Out to look for another job. or JOB (S). I might be able to go back home. its down to 400. Now I need to convince my mom I want that for christmas.

Halloween

Ack, I'm so excited. I wanted to fly down back to Hawaii, but I finally picked out my costume. Me, Ariane & Hahneey's ready. I miss my girls so bad, I was trying to pretend it didnt faze me that their down their celebrating my favorite girls birthday but, next year I'm definitely making a trip home. Anyways what can I say to sum up the last time I wrote in this. Ugh, I'm thinking things through. I dont know if I'm rushing myself into things and I know I need to make a decision. Awgh, I make it hard on myself but I guess I over analyze somethings.

Butterflies

Its nice to have someone to wake up too, havent felt this way in a long time. I wasnt planning on finding anyone here. I was set to do business and immediately go back home. then i met him and then...its weird how everything worked its way out. but he's growing on me, lol. here i go again. :) 

Hella tired, damn double shot tall white chocolate mocha with whip cream did me real good. I didnt have enough sleep *cough. I guess it was worth it because we got to talking. Thank god I got to catch up on my sleep tonight. Tomorrow's another day of double shift. :( aint that a bitch. Got to cash in my check and another one tomorrow. Yipee. 

So I told my mom about him. She's hella silly. Lifes real good. I'm scared, cause each time something great comes I screw it up. We'll see...

Dreams

Gah' damn it, I hate you and everything you've done in my life. I was doing perfectly fine and even without lifting a finger you seem to creep your way in. YOUR doing this on purpose and I no longer am yours. I refuse to be. Quit playin'. Your the reason why I let go or ruin good things that comes my way. These dreams, are beyond me. But thats the thing, your allowed to choose what it could be but it ends up being another. I dont want to think anything of it, but it comes and go. Oh these dreams. How can I make of it? 

I'm starting to like him more and more. It takes a lot for a guy to want to jump into a relationship when were both not ready. But to actually take the time and get to know me shows a lot about him. Its hella different, easily let in just anyone.  Oh well, laa dee daa. He needs to man up. teehee. kidding. 

So last night, punkass got to come over. :) Cooked me some good food. haha. Even if he was my guest, lol. Its always nice when he's around so I can irritate the shit out of him. He likes it anyways, I think? lol Its been a while since me and my sister in law worked out so I woke up at 7:24. Good way to start my day. Yup yup, today's a good day.

Here's something to cheer you fools up:

light as a feather

So im new at this shit, figure i spit some stuff out now that i've got a bit of free time. so whats new people? moving to oregon is one, brother went to iraq, and i miss my family especially my monsters back at home, and of course my friends. BIG step let me tell you but I'm getting by. I guess? I'm in it to change and theirs no turning back. I love my life here. To be on my own. I guess not a lot of people could say that so I believe i have braggin rights, keh? ^__^ But dont get it twisted, its hard. I'm not use to the weather, its hella freezin up in here. And I cant spend the way I use to. Shitty deals. But I'm sure it'll pay off at the end. IT BETTER. haha. Weekend was hella fun, Twee's Birthday party. Hence the pictures on my blog.

As for love life, bwahaha. what about love life? I'm scared cause the more I look into it, the more i "possibly" could be attach. From looking at one year ago and all the things that happen to me. I've got a good hold on my guard. Sometimes I should've let it down but I cant turn back time now, could I. So I learn from it. And now I'm here. I could honestly say that I've got someone in mind that rise above the rest. And all I could do is just hope that he puts up with me. LOL. He's sweet. So different from all the *cough, past "boys" in my life. I'm so done with my past and I will no longer let it get to me just because they dont know how to let it go. Whats done is done and I deserve the best and thats what I'm looking for. the question is, is he game for it?